I’m going to be honest.
I’ve started to write this blog at least four times over the past month. I would think of a few things and write it in my notes in my phone. I would change what I was writing about so many times and when it came down to the crunch, I couldn’t bring myself to open my laptop and start. I like many others have not been doing well these past few weeks. I know I’m not the only one. Every single one of our lives have been affected in one way or another because of Covid-19 and isolation.
It’s strange because having depression I find myself isolating constantly and cancelling plans, so I don’t have to face the world. I much prefer a night in than a night out and I sometimes can’t even get out of the car at the shops because I’m feeling too anxious. Since being told we had that to isolate I have struggled since day 1. It makes no sense; it should be my jam, right? I feel like I’ve been practicing this for almost a decade now.
When you already feel trapped in life and in your mind and then physically, you’re confined to your home. Every feeling and every emotion are amplified inside these four walls. Every emotion and thought you’ve been trying to escape for years sit with you on the couch everyday. It blurts out your mouth in frustration at your kids. Every feeling of self doubt and self hatred rears it’s ugly head more often than usual each day when you have no escape and no distractions.
I know this will sound dark and twisty but it’s everyday life or torture depending how you look at it or who’s eyes you look at it through.
Feeling too guilty to speak up because there are so many others struggling worse than you, people are dying. The fears and insecurities I have are a luxury to some others. My life is a privilege: my house, my four walls, My food that I eat so I don’t have to feel any emotions with, My water that on my already spoilt taste buds tastes bland and lacks sugar and artificial sweeteners. My two children that my reproductive system easily let me produce. My luxury life is there for the viewing and there to be envied.
Depression does not discriminate. It doesn’t care what car you drive or what your ATAR score was.
A month ago when things would get too much and I felt like screaming I’d wait until everyone was asleep and go for a drive to try and clear my head by blasting feeling sorry for myself music and crying like in a scene out of a cheesy movie. Why is it when you’re feeling sad we have to listen to sad music? It’s like we want to be stuck in our funk. We should be listening to upbeat tunes about poppin bottles and driving down to the beach of a warm summer night to get us feeling happy and motivated instead of crying our eyes out to old Avril Lavigne songs while stuffing our face with a cheeseburgers. (that was just an example of something someone might do, definitely not me, just an example)
However you are coping or not coping with this huge change in our lives right now is ok. There’s no right or wrong way to be dealing with something that none of us have had to deal with before. There is no competition of who has it worse. There is no reward at the end. No one gets a toilet paper hamper at the finish line.
Stay safe and I hope we all come out of this stronger than ever.
BB xx
Parenting-with a side of depression 